Honestly where do I start...
I was inspired to write about my journey and even came up with the title already, until I realized that I genuinely don't know where to start. So I'm just going to dive deep into it all.
On Saturday the 9th of November, 2019 I decided I wanted to practice abstinence again, [period: winter 2018-summer 2019]. I wasn't happy with the [choices] I had made (due to hypersexuality) and drastically wanted to change my behavior, because I genuinely thought I was the problem.
Being hypersexual came forth from sexual abuse 2 years prior and it had left me not being able or wanting to connect with my sexuality. So I tried to convince myself that sexual liberation only meant sleeping with whomever you "want". Unfortunately this was not the answer, I had to look for healing within myself. And after understanding that, I decided to stop having penetrative sex.
I didn't know how long I would be able to keep it up, but after 3 months I decided to make a vow to myself, become celibate. So I did...
The pandemic had kind of taken over our lives by that point, so there weren't any vexatious distractions. I definitely did experience some distractions, just very few I wanted to act upon. Those 3 months thought me how to directly voice my boundaries and speak up if they were (about to be) crossed, so even when I dated I didn't have penetrative sex and made sure my partners were aware of this.
After a while I came to the conclusion that even dating would be difficult at that time, since I didn't understand the connection between my mental health and body yet. And decided to stay clear of all physical intimacy.
Nonetheless I still needed to express myself sexually, so I started expressing myself in different ways. All of which I am going to explain the benefits they had on me.
I did a few things to express myself sexually, and I should mention that sex is very much connected to creativity.
First I did research on fertility, as you may know I struggle with PCOS, on how it may be affected by sexual trauma. I found out amongst a lot of other things that waist beads (IG: @bymaame, the icon features a direct link) added to the feeling of femininity and sensuality. These beads are traditionally made in Ghana and are often associated with womanhood, maturity and growth.
It was my way as a woman from the African diaspora to connect with my ancestors. And man oh man did it awaken something I never knew I had in me.
Next to wearing the waist beads, I started dancing, But adding the waist beads unlocked a new level of what my body was able to translate from the music. I've never been able to express myself like this, my back grew strong, my stomach became more loose and my hips definitely didn't lie anymore. [I'd like to think I'm funny]. But what I also noticed was that my work became more well thought out, I could actively be present while creating and my creative process was less rushed. I could genuinely take the time to create.
Because I liked the way I looked while dancing, I started posting videos and pictures of myself in my element and often I was naked. Photographing myself became a weekly activity, sometimes I would take a quick snap but frequently I would host entire photoshoots in my room. All I needed were my ring-light and phone, it would take me hours just to appreciate my own beauty and to this day I can't get enough of myself :). It's fair to say that I am obsessed with myself...
This obsession with myself translated into me literally making love to myself in different ways, often it would be after I photographed myself or danced for hours. Taking the time to get to know my body was on the top of my list, since my experiences with sex were only for the benefit of others. From the day I became "sexually active" I never had controle over my own body. There was always someone who wanted to controle me for their benefit and abuse my power. I noticed that people didn't have sex with me for me, but for everything that I was and they never could be.
So by wanting to become more comfortable with myself and not take controle but rather release that feeling of being in controle, I started to affectionately touch myself. This was not just masturbating, but hugging myself during the day, slow dancing with myself, caressing myself to sleep, standing under the shower stream and even moisturizing my body.
I frequently made these occasions romantic, lighting candles, burning incense, turning on colored lights, playing music, taking a shower and changing my bedsheets. Doing these things made it able for me to let go of the pressure and focus on myself, on what I wanted and what I liked.
All this prepared me for the 10th of June, 2021 when I was finally ready to have sex with someone else, because I understood what it was like to have sex with myself, to not punish myself anymore. And when I made the decision to share myself with another person, I realized that making love to yourself never stops. You just add someone else to the occasion and intertwine with their way of making love to themselves.
This person allowed me to be myself and prioritized my pleasure, they respected my boundaries and made sure I was always taken care of. And because I finally experienced a healthy sexual connection, I tapped into my inner WHORE (this is not used as a derogatory term). Doing things I never thought I would like and having things done to me that where hidden in my taboo closet for so long. I always thought I was a shy, submissive woman in the bedroom and turns out I actually balance masculinity and femininity very well...
So to say the least, 19 months of celibacy were healing, broken, transforming, nasty, crazy, confronting, beautiful, releasing and the best decision I ever made in my 20-ish years of living on this earth. I know how to express myself creatively, so much so sharing my creative process in the art that I create has been recognized by my peers. People are interested in what I have to say and how I say it, that feels so damn good. Because like someone recently told me, individual healing goes together with the healing of the collective.
Add comment
Comments